This Post was originally written on
August 12th, 2008. The news is now
out (for the most part)
On Sunday, August 10, 2008 I took a home pregnancy test and you guessed it, I am pregnant. This is a planned pregnancy and it is not my first, so I was not completely surprised. However, I am amazed at the variance in feelings that swept over me as I stared at the little blue line forming on the test strip. It was actually a bit similar to the feelings I had the first time I was pregnant with my daughter, except this time instead of being anxious about what I did not know, I was just as anxious about what I did know!
During family planning discussions, my husband and I both had agreed to having two children (if so granted) and then we would discuss the possibility of more at a later date. Then we had our first child. A sweet little girl who has brought us much joy, but also has contributed to multiple frustrations and disagreements, inexplicable pain, sleepless nights, self-doubt, guilt, and a myriad of other feelings and emotions that were unexpected and frankly unwelcome. To avoid the not so gentle poking of guilt, I will again reiterate that our little daughter is greatly enriching our lives (what doesn't kill you makes you strong - just kidding - sort-of). She is growing fast and I am truly enjoying watching her learn and develop her physical and cognitive skills step by step as I am afforded the opportunity to stay home full-time to care for, teach, and nurture my daughter.
I thought of all this in the few seconds it took for the little blue line to completely form on the test strip. As if outside of myself, I looked in the mirror, took a deep breath, and said out-loud "Okay, here we go." Not as if giving my okay at this point would change anything, but I mentally, emotionally, and physically committed myself to accepting and embracing all that was to come, both the good, the bad and the ugly (not the baby of course - all babies are beautiful right!?).
So now the excitement and secrecy begins. Pregnancy protocol says that you should wait at least 12 weeks to share the big news because of the risk of complications which are noted to be common. Not everyone follows this protocol, and frankly I am torn whether to tell or not to tell. It can be overwhelming to know something as incredible as "I am pregnant!" and not tell anyone, except my spouse of course. At church I pretended in my mind to drop the exciting news during almost every interaction I had. Each Sunday I make calls to family and you can't imagine how many times I spilled the beans in my head during those conversations. So, to get it out of my system both me and my husband (hmmm, maybe he is experiencing the same pressing desire to spread the news) tell each other frequently throughout the day that we are pregnant (i.e. "Honey, guess what, I am pregnant!" or "Did you know that I'm pregnant?" or my husband will tell our daughter that "Mommy is pregnant!" etc.,). It is a fun game to play and does seem to relieve the pressure to tell just a tiny bit.